1.A man went to the entrance of the Temple on Rosh Hashana, he was immediately stopped by the security Guard who demanded that the show him his ticket to get in. the man replied I didn’t buy one, the guard replied ” then I can’t let you in, then went on to say ”listen this is very important all i want to do is say something to my brother who’s sitting in the 3rd row” then guard saidalright I’ll let you in but don’t let me catch you praying!
2.It was Yom kipper and a man had a peptic ulcer , he know that if he had something to eat that he would be a Right but it was Yom kipper and it was a fast day,he decide to go to the Rabbi;s house and ask his permission, he knocked on the Door and the Rabbi’s wife let him in and led him to kitchen where the Rabbi was having a sandwich and a cup of coffee, “I don’t feel well today ,do you think that it will be alright if I have something eat” no said the Rabbi , absolutely not, the man responded ”wait a minute how could this be , here your sitting and enjoying a meal yet forbiding me to have something to eat the Rabbi replied ” Im not stupid enough to ask anyones permission
3.A man fell asleep during Rabbis sermon , the Rabbi called out to me to me ”wake him up ‘I replied back .. you put him to sleep you wake him up !
4.A Rabbi was on a plane and seated next to him was Texan complete with the cowboy hat and western attire, the Texan leans over and says ” would you like to join me in half of my Ham Sandwich? , the Rabbi replied ”sorry against my convictions, a short while passes and the Texan takeout a deck of playing cards and says ”care to join me in a game of Texas hold em?, the Rabbi once again replies “sorry against my convictions . A Short time passes and the Texan takes out a bottle of Bourbon and say join me in a drink? the Rabbi gave the same rely against my conviction, The Texan then takes out his 6 shooter and hold s it to the Rabbis head and says look that’s it this is the 3rd time that you refused me , now I said take a drink, The rabbi says ”while you got the gun out can you bring back the ham sandwich?
5.I was traveling Down south from N.Y. in the 70’s. and went to a restaurant t I asked ” the waiter Do you serve Jews” The waiter said absolutely its the law, I said good then to the kitchen and bring me out a glass of tomato juice.
Cousin Chubby’s Best Jokes Of The Week ! #2
1.A. man walks into a Deli ,Hows business? he asks, not very good replies the shopkeeper , don’t worry it’ll pick says the costumer, the man then enters a gift shop , hows business he replies, not good says the owner, don’t worry its going to get better,hang in there, he then goes to a liquor store hows business he says , great say the owner couldn’t be better…good says the man stick em up!
2.My Dentist told me that I don’t have to brush my teeth… Just the ones I want to keep!
3. An old man went to his Doctor, Doctor he says I can’t pee, how old are you ” the doctor asks , 80 , the doctor say you peed enough!
4.A man was at the cemetery at the gravestone to my left , pounding his chest and saying ‘ why did you die ? why did you die? Do you know this man,I never met him, he continued ..why did you die , then who is this , Its my wifes 1st husband .why did you die why did you die.
Cousin Chubby’s Best Jokes Of The Week ! #3
1. An 80 year old man was sitting on a park bench crying when a police officer approached” whats s the problem he said, the 80 yr old man replied ” I just got married to a gorgeous 25 year old bride , passionet love every night , she gives me an allowance I live in her penthouse apartment she pays the rent she lets me drive her Mercedes, the police officer said so why are you crying ? the old man said ” Forgot where I live!”
2. An old lady, a spinster , never married was at the doctors office, whats wrong she asked the doctor , the doctor looked at her and said “”I”m afraid its woman trouble ” she replied ” you mean In ever used it and now its giving me trouble?”
3.Three old men where discussing getting old a 60 yr old a 70 and an 80 yr old , the 60 said its not good being 6o because .when your 60 you can’t urinate the 70 said I got it worse when your 70 you can’t make a bowl movement, the 80 yr old man replied , I urinate like clock work everyday at 7am and make a bowl movement everyday like clockwork at 8am , the other two replied so whats the problem …he said I wake up at 9am
4. After loosing an enormous amount of weight Don notice that the chest area was still large it didn’t look right for a man, his doctor said Don you got to go for a mama gram I wont go, a mama gram Don replied for a man, the doctor said look you got to go . Don replied back Ok but under no circumstance am I going for a pap shmere.
Cousin Chubby’s Best Jokes Of The Week ! #4
1. As Broadway play was about to start and just they where about to raise the curtain the Manager comes out and says” Ladies & Gentleman there will be no performance tonight the leading ,man suffered a Heart attack and died, From the audience you could hear an old Jewish woman yelling ” Give Him Some Chicken Soup”’ The manager yelled back ”madam please the man is dead it can’t help him , she yells back ”it Vouldn’t hoyt!
2,In a crowed Movie theater a woman was yelling at the top of her voice ”IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE” A man stands up and says lady I’m a doctor she replies “OY HAVE I GOT A GIRL FOR YOU”
3. A very religious man immigrated to this country saved up for several years then sent for his elderly mother from Europe, as she greets him at the port she notices that he is clean shaven” she says Moishe wheres your beard , he replied nobody wears one in this country, she then notice that he’s not wearing a yarmulke, wears your yarmulke she said , he replies nobody bothers wearing them, she say do you keep Kosher , not necessarily here , she then said let me ask you sometime .. are you still circumcised?
4.A man immigrated to his country and needed a job he heard that down at Delancy street that they were hiring ditch diggers, so off he went , to his dismay the interviewer asked him if he was able to read, which he replied no , the interviewer said well in this country to be a ditch digger you have to be able to read, dejected he got hold of some old rags and sold them at the sidewalk from that he graduate to a store and later a sold new clothing then he acquire and 3rd and 4th store and dabbled in Real Estate and in a short while was very rich man He was about to negotiate a million dollar loan from the bank the manager receives him and says Mr, Cohen were going to give you the loan hand down whatever you ask for just sign on the dotted line . Mr,Cohen replied ”I can read or write” the manage read a man of your success can’t read write can you imagine how far in life you would gone if you could .MR, Cohen replied ”If I could read and write I’d be a ditch digger on Delancy Street!